Just Give Me the Damn Fish

Just Give Me the Damn Fish

Timothy Pena

January 12, 2023

I just returned from Tucson after making arrangements for my uncle (big brother) who passed away last month. He was 68. I’m 62. I cannot imagine how difficult this would have been were I still in a homeless shelter such as Borden Ave. Despite having an apartment available for move in since the beginning of August, I was permitted to move in until a few days before Christmas after notices were posted by Institute for Community Living (ICL) management basically fingering me as the troublemaker for crackdowns in noise and drug usage although the facility is still resistant to providing security, decent food, and access to resources.

I am certain if I were still in Borden Ave when my uncle passed, I would not be in New York, but back in the same suicidal mindset I was that brought me to NYC to begin with. And there lies in the problem, solution, and urgency of getting vulnerable and at-risk veterans in housing. For the five months I spent in Borden Ave, I was constantly told that I was waiting on a ‘process’ that included months of stonewalling by ICL staff in being enrolled in the HUD/VASH program while I was subjected to living conditions in a violent shelter not fit for a prison, much less a taxpayer-funded Grant & Per Diem VA program fraught with red tape and delays costing thousands of dollars and forever increasing the likelihood of suicide ideation and risky behavior like drug abuse and criminal behavior.

Weeks of waiting for an appointment to meet people I will never see or hear from again. The humiliation of being ‘presented’ to HUD/VASH as some sort of farm animal. And being subjected to the whims of a case manager who couldn’t manage to get me a dental appointment while homeless, instead, then lied to me and left me without so much as a simple dental checkup when after 60 days, we’re entitled to free dental. These are the small things that taxpayers provide but make a huge difference on our wellbeing. While veterans’ populations continue to decline, suicide rates continue to escalate. Why? There is certainly enough money. We’re reminded of that constantly. Every politician makes veterans a priority for fundraising.

As a former front desk clerk and resident of a veterans transitional program, I don’t need to be taught how to fish when it comes to housing. None of us should. I already have my hook and bait in the form of a DD-214. I’m already hungry because I’m homeless. So why is it necessary to teach me how to fish? Rather than describe to me how you baited the hook. Dropped it in the water. Took time to discuss with me every little nibble. While I am subjected to an abusive shelter system. Eventually, I will die either from hunger or suicide. For those that endure, we are forever changed, and none for the good. There is no teaching moment that makes us stronger. There is no acts of kindness. There is no hope. Just hat in hand begging for our benefits we earned years ago with our DD-214. Just give me the damn fish.